Fighting for our girl to smile again….
This picture was taken on the summer vacation we took right before this nightmare began. I remember thinking during this trip that we had it all. We were a happy family, two beautiful and healthy girls and the means to take a trip like that to visit family who we are very blessed to have. I really did think at one point in that trip that life couldn’t get better than that. The day after we returned from our vacation was when she told us how bad she was feeling and how scary some of her thoughts had been. It feels like the rest has been a blur. Going into this facility 41 days ago, I hoped our child just needed some extra help with her depression. That once they had the right meds in place, our little girl would come back home with us and resume her teenage life without having to look back. I didn’t allow myself to even consider the possibility that this would be something that she may end up having to deal with her whole life. My daughter was born perfect. She was an angel as a baby, sweet quiet child growing up, always got good grades in school, well mannered, has always been very compassionate, cares about people and loves, loves, loves her Lord. There has never been any reason for us to think that there would be a point in her very young life where she would fall so deep into a depression that would literally rock her to her core. It’s just not right. My child has one of the most beautiful smiles (sorry, I’m biased) I’ve ever seen. I’ll never forget what her principal said to me at her fifth grade graduation. She came up to her and gave her a hug and told me that she was going to miss her smile. She said it always lifted her spirits. I would’ve never thought that she would use that very smile to hide her pain and struggles from us. To make others believe she was ok when indeed she was suffering very much behind it. I look back at pictures like the one in this post, and think “what made my girl feel like she should fake that smile?”, “What happened along the way that made life so terrible for her?”, Is it something I did or didn’t do?”, “Did we fail her in some way?” I can’t help but to feel these things and rack my head with these kinds of questions. None of it makes any sense to me.
I wondered the other night after hearing that the insurance company had started the denial process whether my faith would be enough. I declared that this wasn’t too big for my God. I actually repeated it over and over. But, do I really feel it? It scared me to think that God wouldn’t answer my prayer to provide for my daughter’s treatment if my faith wasn’t strong enough. But, the beauty of serving a God like ours is that He will still be God no matter who I am, what I’ve done, or how strong my faith is. Whether my faith is strong or not, my God is. And, that’s what’s important! We continue to wait on Him because we know He will provide. It may not be through the insurance company, and we may not know exactly which way He will work, but there is no doubt in my mind that He will see us through this. My daughter will get the help that she needs and she will come home and resume her life with her friends, her school, and most importantly, her family who is so anxiously waiting for her to come home.
Our God is good even when things in our life are not. We are getting close to a diagnosis, to the right treatment and to having her with us again. He is not done with our girl yet and so, I thank Him for what I know He is doing and how He will glorify Himself in her life.
Thank you for your continued prayers and support!!!
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