Saturday Morning Joy

This past Saturday was the first in a long time that we've woken up without having to rush out of the house to make the 4 hour drive to Orlando to visit our girl. This Saturday morning was different. Both our girls were up early and peeked into our bedroom at about 9 am to let us know they were up and bored. It was nice. Having our baby home is more than “amazing” (as she says). Hearing her and sister’s giggles from their rooms is actually one of the best sounds I’ve ever heard. She is home, where she belongs and that feels good. At the same time, we know how hard it is for her and how challenging life has become and it saddens us deeply. We've been telling ourselves for weeks that she will be different, as one of her doctors told me a while ago “that life with our daughter as we knew it a year ago will not be the same” because she is not the same. 

As painful and difficult as these last seven weeks were, I think our daughter grew a lot while she was in that facility. She learned a lot about herself, her weaknesses and strengths, and she learned to value the gifts that God has blessed her with. I think as a family, we have all learned that lesson in these last seven weeks. My child is in a much better place today than she was before she left. Her smile is real and contagious. She's eager to get back to school and church and all that she's missed out on. 

Today will be hard. I’m sure most of this week will be hard. Going back to school will probably stir up a lot of feelings for her that she hasn't had to deal with in two months. I think I’m more anxious today then when she started kindergarten or even middle school. I wish I could keep her in a bubble. Somewhere safe where she wouldn't have to deal with people that are hurtful and things that make her uncomfortable. That’s unrealistic, I know but I just wish that were me instead of her today having to face everything and everyone. 

Please pray that her day goes smoothly. That she can use the skills that she learned while she was away and that she can lean on her God when things around her get to be too much. 

On My Way

The Nest Will Be Full Again!

We just got off the phone with our sweet girl. She spent the whole time telling me how excited she was to finally be coming home. She even tried to bamboozle me into telling her that we'd get back to Miami in time for her to make it to "Puppets" tomorrow. That's one of those things she treasures and has missed tremendously. Then she asked if we were going to church on Sunday. She is so anxious to get back to her life. It's hard to believe that it's been almost seven weeks. I never thought I'd survive this long without her. The night before she left I laid in her bed with her and we cried for what seemed like forever. I held her as she tried to console me when I was supposed to be consoling her. She assured me that she'd be OK and that this would be for the best. As a mom I can tell you that I could not have been separated from my child for this long if it weren't for Him. It was His strength that got me up and out of the house every morning. It was Him that got us through some very rough days. Days when all I wanted to do was get in my car and go bring my baby home. Today we rejoice because we are going to have our girl back home with us again but most importantly, we are grateful because we have a better understanding of how to help her. As I said before, we know that we need to find our new normal and we know that won't be easy. Life for her, and our family, will be challenging but we know that our God will continue to walk with us. Carrying us when the road gets too hard and the load gets too heavy. 

Thank you for your prayers, cards, well wishes and support. I know that the heavens were flooded with prayers for our family and we will forever be thankful for that.  With all our love, Smile's Family!

Answered Prayers!

Words cannot convey the joy of the good news, so simply stated....

Praise God!  Great things he has done!  Can I hear a collective AMEN?!  

Psalm 107:29-32 - He caused the storm to be still, So that the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet; So He guided them to their desired haven. Let them give thanks to the LORD for His loving kindness, And for His wonders to the sons of men! Let them extol Him also in the congregation of the people, And praise Him at the seat of the elders.

Details will follow, but for now we celebrate the great news!  GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!

Butterflies

As a friend, it's been an extraordinary process watching this road unveiled.  At times, it has been gut wrenching to see the pain and anguish of parent's separated from their beloved child. Devastating to see a child in pain and hopeless.  But through it all, it has been a blessing to see God in the center of it all.  To know that those who openly profess the Lord as their Savior hang on to the promises He has given us even if it was to just keep their heads above water.  Those who are still sitting on the fence may not openly admitting it, but are closer to the Lord today than when this whole thing started. And those who may not believe in our Savior, can't  help but be a witness to the great things He has done.  No doubt, it has been His strength that has carried the family.  His life IN Smiles that has protected her.  His wisdom that has directed them to the right place and the right doctors.  His Grace that has forgiven the times of unbelief that things would ever get better.  His Love that has enveloped them.  As we start to see a not just a light at the end of the tunnel, but a rainbow, I can't help but be inspired by what has taken place.  It has been a struggle undefined by pen and paper but so encouraging at the same time.  GOD IS REAL.  He does not lie.  When he says he will not leave us, He means it.  He does not leave.  He's been with smiles the entire 46 days at the facility, has made the 8 trips to Central Florida, has been a part of every meeting, session, decision, and conversation. He has held their hands and wiped their tears and has been a constant companion.  His commitment to HIS children will not end when Smiles comes home, He will remain with her and the family until they are all in His presence. This may be the families new normal, but this is HIS well established plan, knit together in their mother's womb and therefore perfect and ordained.  Up ahead on this long road lies a new chapter of the beautiful story known as Smiles.  It is written by the perfect author who left no small detail or matter out of the story.  A story so inspirational that it will continue to impact those who know her and those who love her.  Our job continues to be to love and support the family, first and foremost with prayers and then with unconditional love and understanding.    The struggle of the butterfly gives us hope...

Smiles, you have inspired us all!

Our New Normal

After six weeks of being separated from our sweet girl we are now starting to look toward the future, wondering what the "new normal" will look like. This week brought with it challenges and news and answers that, though we may have expected, we didn't really want. I talked about acceptance earlier in this process. We are now at that place. We must accept that our child suffers from mental illness in order to move forward. According to the internet, mental illness is a medical condition that disrupts a person's thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to others and daily functioning. Just as diabetes is a disorder of the pancreas, mental illnesses are medical conditions that often result in a diminished capacity for coping with the ordinary demands of life. It can affect persons of any age, race, religion or income and it is not the result of personal weakness, lack of character or poor upbringing. 

What does all of that really mean to us? It means that our daughter has specific needs that need to be met in order to lead a normal life. That she will have to work harder than the next gal at keeping her head above water when things are less than ideal. That as a family, we will all have to work harder at helping her stay on track, encouraging her and motivating her. She is our very special gift from God. We are so proud of her and we couldn't be happier to be her parents. We thank God every day for her, just the way she is.

They have made some changes to her medications and we are starting to see some real progress. God willing, we will be bringing our Smiles home in the next couple of weeks. Please pray for us as we try to figure out what the "new normal" with and for our girl will be like.  We know our God is good and we hold on to His promise to never leave us or forsake us! Thank you for your continued prayers and support.

Fighting For Our Girl to Smile Again

Fighting for our girl to smile again….

This picture was taken on the summer vacation we took right before this nightmare began. I remember thinking during this trip that we had it all. We were a happy family, two beautiful and healthy girls and the means to take a trip like that to visit family who we are very blessed to have. I really did think at one point in that trip that life couldn’t get better than that. The day after we returned from our vacation was when she told us how bad she was feeling and how scary some of her thoughts had been. It feels like the rest has been a blur. Going into this facility 41 days ago, I hoped our child just needed some extra help with her depression. That once they had the right meds in place, our little girl would come back home with us and resume her teenage life without having to look back. I didn’t allow myself to even consider the possibility that this would be something that she may end up having to deal with her whole life. My daughter was born perfect. She was an angel as a baby, sweet quiet child growing up, always got good grades in school, well mannered, has always been very compassionate, cares about people and loves, loves, loves her Lord. There has never been any reason for us to think that there would be a point in her very young life where she would fall so deep into a depression that would literally rock her to her core. It’s just not right. My child has one of the most beautiful smiles (sorry, I’m biased) I’ve ever seen. I’ll never forget what her principal said to me at her fifth grade graduation. She came up to her and gave her a hug and told me that she was going to miss her smile. She said it always lifted her spirits. I would’ve never thought that she would use that very smile to hide her pain and struggles from us. To make others believe she was ok when indeed she was suffering very much behind it. I look back at pictures like the one in this post, and think “what made my girl feel like she should fake that smile?”, “What happened along the way that made life so terrible for her?”, Is it something I did or didn’t do?”, “Did we fail her in some way?” I can’t help but to feel these things and rack my head with these kinds of questions. None of it makes any sense to me.

I wondered the other night after hearing that the insurance company had started the denial process whether my faith would be enough. I  declared that this wasn’t too big for my God. I actually repeated it over and over. But, do I really feel it? It scared me to think that God wouldn’t answer my prayer to provide for my daughter’s treatment if my faith wasn’t strong enough. But, the beauty of serving a God like ours is that He will still be God no matter who I am, what I’ve done, or how strong my faith is. Whether my faith is strong or not, my God is. And, that’s what’s important! We continue to wait on Him because we know He will provide. It may not be through the insurance company, and we may not know exactly which way He will work, but there is no doubt in my mind that He will see us through this. My daughter will get the help that she needs and she will come home and resume her life with her friends, her school, and most importantly, her family who is so anxiously waiting for her to come home. 

Our God is good even when things in our life are not. We are getting close to a diagnosis, to the right treatment and to having her with us again. He is not done with our girl yet and so, I thank Him for what I know He is doing and how He will glorify Himself in her life.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support!!!

Set back...

Well according to the facilty, the appeal has been denied.  At this point, the next step for the family is to contact the business office tomorrow morning to set up payments.  Needless to say this is a set back.  Smiles is no where near ready to be released and it would be an injustice to have her released because the insurance denies payment when according to her entire team she is NOT ready to be discharged.

We refuse to be defeated because we serve the God of impossibility.   The God who can move mountains.  We will not give up because God did not give up on us.  We will continue to seek His will, His wisdom and to storm the gates of heaven with prayers until the doors open.  So tomorrow we start over again...we will never give up because our God reigns!

As We Wait Upon the Lord

From Mom

This weekend we got to take our girl out on a four hour pass. It was nice to even have her in the car. I kept looking back to see her sitting in her seat because it’s been so long since she’s been in there. She and her sister were very excited to be out together. This is how it is supposed to be, the four of us together. But as nice as it was to have her out with us, it was a sobering reminder that she is not ready to face her life just yet. She still has some work to do and now our challenge is going to be convincing the insurance company of that. The peer to peer review on Friday was denied. The facility requested an expedited appeal today which is taking place as I write this and they’ve asked that I call and present our case as well. They are hoping that hearing from mom as to how things are going and how she is doing will persuade them to give us a little more time. So, I started my day with several phone calls to the insurance company. They transferred me here and there until finally, after a 55 minute wait, I was able to leave a message for the person that I thought would be able to help me. When she called me back and I tried to tell her all the reasons I had for thinking that my child still needed help and why I felt she met the criteria she stopped me and told me she was not allowed to hear me out. That if I wanted to, I could write a letter to the appeals committee and email it to her and she would attach it to the appeal for review. And so now we wait and pray and hope that they rule in our favor.

Calling All Angels To Work!

Hello Angels,

I'm writing this morning with a couple of updates.  First of all, we need your faithful prayers today (well everyday...but an extra one today!).  The appeal review will take place at 2 pm today.  This decision will determine many crucial things including the cut-off of insurance coverage as previously mentioned.   Additionally, Smiles will be undergoing some comprehensive testing today that will cost thousands of dollars to her parents if this appeal is denied.  We ask that everyone join the family in prayer and ask for the hearts of those reviewing the appeal to be softened.  

We know that where 2 or more are gathered, there He is among them, so lets declare victory in the name of Jesus.

Also the Smiles Treatment Fund is already set up.  If you would like to make a donation, please contact me directly and I will provide you with the Chase Account # and name.  Anyone wishing to donate can simply stop by any Chase location and make a deposit.  There are so many expenses, including lodging, food, and gas that are adding up in addition to the treatment costs.  No amount is too small, every little bit collected will help.  

For more information, please contact Diana at diana@riversideonline.org.

Angels at Work, Watch for Falling Feathers...

Caution: Angels At Work

From Diana

Many of you have continued to ask what you can do in support of the family.  We trust and believe that God is going to provide ALL of the days needed inpatient to heal Smiles and get her on the right path of recovery.  However, God also tells us to also be wise.

I will be starting a Treatment Fund for Smile where donations can be made to help cover the costs. We all know that the family, especially Dad is very private and doesn't like to ask for help, to which I continue to say, Angels can't be stopped!   As Mom has told us, the daily care is $525.00 a day, just think about that for a moment.  This is a long process as we have already seen 35 days into it.  To cover the month of March (31 more days of treatment)  the family will have to pay $16,275.00.  Anything that we as "Angels" can contribute will be a huge help to the family.  So I will provide a link as soon as it is available with the information where you can donate to help ease, at least the financial burden, for the family.  In the meantime, if you want to make a donation now, contact me at writingforsmiles@gmail.com and I will tell you where to send your donation.    I know we are all on tight budgets but surely we can give up the cost of eating out this week or our gourmet coffee for sake of Smiles.  Every little bit will help! If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Spread the word and let the feathers fall!

Day 35: A New Bump In The Road

From Mom

Seven months ago when this leg of the journey with our girl began we prayed for God’s intervention. For His protection over her, for Him to give her peace. We prayed that He’d lead us to the right doctor and that we could get her on some treatment quickly so that she could move on with her summer and start the school year OK.  As the weeks turned into months and she continued to get worse instead of better we prayed for healing and proper medication and diagnosis. I remember speaking to one of her therapists back in October about the next stage of the treatment process and her telling me that it would most likely work. But, if we didn't see progress in the coming weeks we would have to start considering residential treatment. My husband and I looked at each other with the same expression. One of confusion, maybe even denial. We just never imagined in a million years having to consider sending our child away. That wasn't part of our plans. And surely, if it wasn't in our plans then God would understand and fix it so that it was aligned with what we wanted for our child. And so our prayers shifted. We now prayed for progress. The week before Thanksgiving we were at one of her therapy sessions and the therapist called me in to the room where she and my girl were talking. She proceeded to tell me that our daughter felt that she needed to go into residential care. She said she didn't feel like she was improving or feeling better and she thought this would be the best thing to do. I remember storming out of that room with my chest so tight I thought it’d explode. I left them to finish their session and went outside to call my mom. I cried my heart out to her on the phone, taking advantage of the few minutes I still had to myself. When we were on the way home, my girl told me that she thought this was God’s will for her. I lost it. I pounded on the steering wheel to make my point clear. I told her that God did not want this for her life! That these feelings that she was having were not of Him and that He would make her better if we just believed. God was at work. No doubt. He was working on our hearts. Preparing us for January 25th. He was paving the way and closing and opening the doors He saw fit. And so our prayers changed once again. Now I pleaded with Him to not make this be the way to her healing. To not let us be separated from our little girl. Christmas eve came around and we were at our last session of the year with her doctor. She told me that she didn't feel our child was safe and that after the holidays, we needed to reevaluate the options. Christmas and new year’s came and went, almost in a blur and 2013 greeted us with the toughest decision we will probably ever have to make as parents. Our prayer now was that God would lead us in the direction that He wanted us to go with her. We met with her treatment team and all agreed that our only option at that point was to place her in a residential facility that would meet her specific needs.  It was clear to us then that God was taking us to this place that we didn't want to go but that was necessary for our daughter’s healing. We prayed that He would take us to the right one. We did research and continued to pray. God opened the right doors and we were led to the place where our Smiles is in now. Going into this stage of the game we knew that our insurance company would cover some of this treatment but that at some point they would start to fight us on whether it was really necessary.  At $525 a day we knew that fight would happen sooner rather than later. We signed papers at her admission telling the facility that we would take financial responsibility once the insurance coverage ran out. We just wanted her to get the proper treatment. As the weeks started rolling by our focus remained on her and her struggles to find the right treatment plan. Four weeks later, we have just started to see some progress but there is still a lot of work to be done. Last night I got a call from her therapist informing me that the insurance company had begun the denial of coverage process. She told me not to get too upset just yet and went on to explain the appeals process. Today the doctor will do his part in getting that process started. It’s called a peer to peer review. This is where he gets the opportunity to try to convince them that she is not well and that she is not ready to go home. Our prayers must change again. I know we should pray for specific needs but, as I told God this morning on my way to work, I don’t know what to pray for. I don’t know what I should ask for. So I ask that He moves, that He provides, that He draws us nearer to Him and the He would do His will in the life our girl. This is too big for us. It is. But, it is not too big for our God. I know that He loves her more than we could ever love her, and if we are willing to do whatever it takes to get her the help that she needs, how much more will He do for her.

The next few days are going to be critical. Please pray that God will move. That He provides. Pray that He gives us strength to fight this so that we can get our child the help that she needs. That He makes His will clear to us. And that if and when we doubt and falter, that He will help us with our unbelief.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support.

Day 32: Hope

From Mom,

Those of us who have Christ, have hope. We have hope because we know that His promises are real and that He is working even in the midst of a storm. Does that mean that we don’t have days when we feel totally hopeless? No, it doesn't!  I will tell you that last Thursday, I was feeling completely hopeless. Things with our sweet girl did not seem like they were progressing and honestly, I didn't see an end in sight. Then we got to the visit on Saturday and as soon as we saw her, we knew that something was different. Her smile was real. I've learned to tell which are and which aren't.  Dad and I got to spend the visit with her all alone because her sister was at a church event. It was great! We talked about nothing and everything and just enjoyed seeing her look so focused and positive. Going back on Sunday, we were a little skeptical. We've learned to not trust these moods of hers or not rejoice too soon because they often don't last. But God is good and Sunday’s visit was even better than the day before. We know that this doesn't mean that we’re in the clear. I’m sure there will be many bad days ahead. They are in the middle of regulating medications and her system has to get used to all of that , but this weekend gave us hope. Hope that we might have our girl back soon. Hope that she can and will have some normalcy even if it means she will have to work harder at that than the next gal. And hope that her smile will be real, soon.

Today is a month that we dropped her off at that facility in Orlando. Some days have been harder than others but none have been easy without her. There is still a lot of work to be done. We are starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel though, and for that we are thankful today. 

Don't always believe what you see!

Encouragement for us all...

Someone once told me that when we complain about our circumstances, what we are really saying is that God doesn't know what He is doing... 

I have earned a reputation for knowing useless and arbitrary facts.  Facts that can sometimes be categorized as useless information.  Well here is one... For example, did you know that the images your eyes see are actually transmitted upside down to the brain? The brain processes those upside down images and turns them right side up for us.  Here's another one...

Did you know that each of your eyes has a blind spot? There is a spot on the retina of each of our eyes that literally can’t see anything at all. This blind spot is where the optic nerve is and there are no rods or cones there. You can sometimes see when you only have one eye open.  Now, you normally don’t notice that there is a blind spot anywhere in your field of vision. That’s because your brain is filling in the gaps, so to speak.  Your brain doesn’t have to do much gap filling actually, because you normally look at things with both eyes, and one eye can always see the spot that the other eye can’t. But your brain does mesh the two images from each eye into one seemingly seamless image when you are using both eyes.

Our ears don't hear all the possible sounds there are.  Its common knowledge that most dog hear much better than we can.  More useless facts...that's because their ears are generally and simply more sensitive, that is they can hear fainter sounds than we can.  Second, and more to the point, dogs can hear frequencies outside the human range of hearing.   Ever wonder why you can’t hear a dog whistle? Well, generally it’s because dogs can’t whistle! Sorry, I couldn’t resist it. Anyway, dogs can hear things that we can’t not just because they are too faint for us, but because we can’t hear those things no matter how loud they might be. As another example, it has been found that elephants routinely communicate over large distances using ultrasound rumbles. Humans can’t hear these vocalizations and for a long time we had no clue that elephants were communicating this way. But finally somebody began to suspect something fishy about elephant behavior and they deployed special instruments to detect this ultrasound – and voila, we suddenly began to understand what we were missing. Whale songs are also inaudible to us, but most everybody has heard of them nowadays, because we have the equipment to detect and then translate them into sounds that we CAN hear.

Our noses aren’t the best in the animal kingdom either. Dogs can smell fainter smells than we can. And they can smell things we can’t no matter how odiferous they might be. Beagles are famous for sniffing out rabbits. Have YOU ever tried following a rabbit from scent alone? And of course dogs are used to sniff out drugs all the time. And more recently, they are even being employed to detect certain diseases like cancer. ‘Nuff said?

The moral of the story is: Don't be afraid or angry about what you see or hear, and worse yet, what you think you know.  There is so much God is doing in the midst of this mess, things we can't understand, things we cannot see and questions that are not answered.   What we "see" is that things are upside down, that there are no answers in sight and try as we do, we can't hear from God why.  BUT that does not mean, He isn't working, you just can't see it yet.  He is speaking, we just haven't translated it yet.  You haven't heard Him yet  because His voice is faint.  If you practice being still, His voice will be heard in your SOUL where He lives and a peace will surround you, a peace like the dog hears the whistle, reserved for His children and those who choose to trust in what they cannot see and cannot hear.  

As angry as we may become at the circumstances, as desperate and hopeless as we may feel, never lose sight that what we see is not all there is...HE IS BIGGER AND LOUDER!

Greater is He who is in You than he who is in the world!

Day 26: New Stage: Anger with a Dash of Persecptive

From Mom,

The last few days have not been easy ones for our daughter. She is frustrated and desperate and terribly sad. She wants to come home. It’s hard for her to focus on anything else. Her mind is all over the place right now and the only thing she knows for sure is that she’d rather be any place but there and that we, her parents, are not doing anything about it. I know we can’t take anything she says personally. I know she’s not in a good place and that she is just lashing out. I just wish that we could bring some comfort and solace in a time when she feels so sad and alone.

My mom always says that when we feel like complaining about our situation, we should look around because we will always find people that are worse off than we are. She hasn’t said that to me now though. But, some days when I am not sulking, I do try my best to stay positive and concentrate on the good. I have a friend who just lost a loved one in a senseless and tragic way, another who is going through financial difficulties that can and will impact the lives of her children, family members that are going through some serious health issues and the list goes on and on. I find myself trying to focus on what’s good, like I mentioned before, knowing that it can always be worse. But this is my child we’re talking about and it just isn’t fair. I think I’ve reached that stage of anger and frustration they warned me about a couple of weeks ago. I’m not angry at God though. I know this is not what He wants for me or my family. He didn’t set out to hurt us or destroy us. But we know that is what satan wants. And I’m angry. Angry at the situation, at life, at the doctors….. just angry. I want to be able to tell my daughter that everything is going to be ok and believe it. I want to make it all go away for her but I can’t. I think she’s angry too. She wants to will herself to get better so that she can get back to her life as soon as possible. She’s 13 and right now, like every other eighth grade girl, she wants to plan on what she’s going to wear to her middle school prom. It’s hard to look ahead and know that there are events like that coming up that mean so much to her that she may not be able to attend or be a part of. It hurts me that her eighth grade shirt with all of the kids’ signatures on the back is missing hers. These are all little things in the grand scheme of things I know, but they are little things she is missing out on, and they are big to her! So, yes I am angry, very angry right now but in the midst of all that is so wrong, there are people who manage to love us through it all. Who try desperately to find ways to make things easier for us if only to lighten our load. We appreciate that more than we can possibly express. It gives us hope. It carries us.

A Lesson From the Snail

I know today will be difficult, just like yesterday, and probably like tomorrow.  But with each passing day, you are one step closer to bringing Smiles home, healthy and whole.  It may not seem like you've made any progress, like your stopped at this "unrest" stop for what feels like forever but the wheels of the Lord are always in motion.  His tireless work may not always be visible but it is palpable when you have Faith.  His assurance is found in His Word, in the comforting hold of your spouse, the love of your children, and the support of your friends and family who love you and will quietly walk along side you until we reach success.

The road to success is not straight

There are curves called Failures, 

loops that have caused us confusions,

and red lights set by the Enemy.

You are not however, traveling alone.

You have friends called speed bumps that help you from going to fast

Family who help refill the tank for the journey ahead

and Road Side Assistance from Prayer warriors 

who pray for safe passage.

You're equipped with a spare called Determination,

an engine called Perseverance,

insurance called Faith, and

a driver called Jesus.

Believe you will make it to a place called Success!!

In the mean time, do not fear and know you are loved!

Day 21: Valentines Day

From Mom,

Today is supposed to be about love, hearts, chocolates and everything that is pretty and romantic. Somehow even wishing my husband a “Happy Valentine’s Day” seems wrong right now. He deserves it, don’t get me wrong, but how are we supposed to feel happy today when our little girl is so far away from us? How do I not focus on last night’s phone call when I spent almost the whole ten minutes trying to get her to stop crying and focus on getting better rather than coming home? Sometimes I feel like I say those things for my sake more than hers. I’m the adult, her mom. I’m supposed to keep it together in front of her. And so I say all the things I know I have to say to her even if I don’t always buy them myself. The truth is, today hurts and as much as I try to focus on the end result and how much healthier my girl will be when she comes home and how she is in the right place, getting the treatment that she needs, it doesn't make today feel any better. Today is not what it should be. It’s not what it’s supposed to be.

When I wrote out my husband's Valentine’s day card last night, I had to think hard about the stuff that was good in our lives rather than what is so wrong. God gave me a wonderful husband and awesome father to my girls. The best daughters any mom could want, great family and wonderful friends. Though it’s not Thanksgiving, I want to make sure not to take any of God’s blessings for granted and be thankful. There is a lot that is wrong and it is SO wrong that at times it can cloud our vision and not let us see what IS good.

Happy Valentine’s Day my sweet girl. We love you so very very much!

Day 19: Hang In There

From Mom

This weekend did not go as we hoped it would. I guess we should be used to that already….things not going as we hope they would. Our sweet girl is struggling. She is having a very hard time and so are the doctors that are treating her. I’ve often heard her therapists refer to her as “complicated”. They don’t always know how to approach her situation. She has not reacted as they expected to the treatment which is what led us to this place to begin with. We know God has something great in store for her. That He loves her too much to leave her like this. BUT, it wears on us as parents to see her in so much pain. The past two weeks have seemed like an eternity. I can’t imagine having to do much more of this. Last night I was walking around the house thinking about how much I couldn’t stand this. How much I want her home. My cousin told me at the beginning of this process that I had to be strong and practice numbness. Well, I’m not sure I had anything to do with it but the numbness has set in. I realized last night that no matter how much I cry and how unfair I think it is that our little girl is having to go through this, it will not change the situation. This is in God’s hands. He has it. It will be in His time and that, as a mom, drives me absolutely crazy. I know He knows my heart. And, not that I am in any way comparing this to Jesus’ suffering on the cross, but I know that God  knows exactly how I feel because He too had to endure His child’s suffering. 

On Sunday night she spoke to my mom on the phone (she calls the “Abuelos” on the weekend since we see her at visitation) and my mom asked her what was wrong since she noticed that she wasn’t her usual self. She responded to her in Spanish. If you know my kids, you know their Spanish is very limited. Her response was “esto no es facil Abuela, pero Dios esta conmigo”. This is not easy Abuela, but God is with me.  

So, we continue to hang on to Him for strength. That’s what she is doing. 

Thank you for your prayers.

This Stinks!

Mom and Dad are still up north visiting Smiles and will have an update tomorrow.  After talking to Mom about this weekend's visit and the steps forward and the steps backwards, we were both at a loss for words which is very unusual for us!   With the overwhelming idea of the unknown number of weeks that lay ahead, my only real advice is to look backwards,  to what God has already done.  When this part of the process became a reality, it felt as if we would not survive one day of this, but here we are, with a little more than 2 weeks behind us.  We're not sure how it happened except for his daily dose of mercy, grace and peace that surpasses all understanding (and a little help from our friend Xanax)!  This past week was hard, knowing that in our world of pain, we are not alone, and others are suffering their own journey.  Some dealing with what can't be changed, some on their way home to see the Lord, and those who were with us for only a few hours. So much hurt.  This really is a broken world, not what God intended for His people.

I think its okay to have a day when you don't have a profound encouraging word, after all we are human.  At the end of the day, all we could think of to write was...this stinks!  So there you have it!

Todays entry...

THIS STINKS. 

His mercies are new everyday and tomorrow we'll start over again trusting in His strength and His power.  For now all I can do to lighten our spirits is a reminder of something we always say,  "God has a sense of humor and His gift of laughter is great medicine."  As I sat down to write this little update on behalf of Mom, this was happening under my bed....

Yes, at the end of another difficult week and a bit of loss for words from all of us, my dog Minnie was eating Revlon's New York Red lipstick.  I think it was  a reminder that God is always in control.  He knew this entry would be short because at 12:45 am, I would have to attempt to remove lipstick from my now pink Westie.  Smiles, you're getting this picture soon!

Lord, we have lots of questions...!

Day 15: Awareness

From Mom,

It’s amazing to me to see how many people love our child. I’m honored and humbled that it isn’t just our family who is broken over what we are going through. So many of you have gone out of your way by sending cards, cookies, bears, care packages, I’m in awe, and nothing I would say could really express how very grateful we are. Last night I heard someone say that depression is a sickness. That it’s important for people to understand  it. We spend so much time trying to figure out how we will explain to others what our child is experiencing. It would be easier to say she had a physical condition. Mental illness is an ugly term. It’s taboo. If we don’t talk about it or say it out loud then it isn’t happening. But it is very real to those families who are affected by it. To those who have lost loved ones to it and to those struggling to figure out how they will learn to live with it….. in spite of it. 

Thank you for your concern, for your support, for your thoughts and prayers and for your love. 

Day 14: Accept

From Mom,

Our beautiful smiley girl is hanging in there. Every day brings on different challenges for her as she is working hard at trying to figure out why she feels the way she does and how she is supposed to do happy. I said do instead of be, because unfortunately happy is a chore for her right now. It is very difficult for us to stand back and have her be medicated for one thing in an attempt to rule out another, all in the hopes of coming up with the right treatment for her. It’s not easy to accept that a child that has everything, could be this down, this hopeless. But not everyone’s chemistry is the same and that, is something we all have to accept. We were told that is part of what we need to do now. Accept. Accept that our child will most likely deal with bouts of depression all of her life. Accept that we will all have to work harder as a family. Accept that not everyone will understand and accept her. Accepting is hard. Very hard when you have no choice in the matter. So instead of asking God why He has allowed this, we wait and see how He will use this because we know that He has great things planned for our little girl.  

Two weeks ago today we were trying desperately to prepare, mentally, for what the next day, and weeks, would bring. We knew that what lay ahead would not be easy but nobody could have prepared for us for the pain that we would feel as we drove back to Miami from Orlando after having left her there. With each passing mile, the distance between us became more real. And that reality hurt, a lot. When we were first told that there was a possibility that she would need inpatient care I immediately thought that there was no way we could do that. How were we going to be without her. Now, two weeks after the fact, I wonder how people do this (life) without the Lord. He is the one giving us the strength to get up every day and go through the day knowing that we won’t be picking her up from school and bringing her home that day. I am still in awe that we’ve been running this rat race for six months. Trying to figure out what was wrong and how to help her. Suffering alongside her because we couldn’t make the pain go away. Someone told me yesterday that it was ok for us to be mad and tell God that we don't want this for our little girl. I guess we haven’t gotten there yet. Maybe because we’ve been too busy trying to parent her well through this process. I am not mad, but I am scared. Scared of what the future may hold for her, of not being able to totally fix things for her, of how she will cope with adversity when we are not there to help her. I prayed this morning that God would remove those questions from my mind. His Word tell us that we should not worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will have its own worries and so my prayer now is that God helps me focus on today even if today is this hard.

A Little Encouragement

For Mom, Dad and Sis!

I received a letter from Smiles yesterday.  Inside were notes for me and my husband and her "big sis" Hope and even a coloring page for the boys.  She talked about her stay and the friends she has made, what she was looking forward to when she came home and how much she missed us all.  It filled my heart to read her words written warmly for each of us.  But here is the encouraging part for Mom and Dad and Sister, at the bottom of each note she wrote out God's promises for her.  All those Sunday school lessons and discipleship classes  and her Christian upbringing at home, have given her the strongest possible tool in this process, FAITH.  By her own words, she told me in just her first week there, she was amazed at how much her faith has grown.  She knows whenever those moments of despair overcome her, HIS Word will overcome it.  

While nothing can make this feel any better, breathe deep and know that GOD has not left her and she has not left HIM.  Be confident that the God who began a work in her, will carrying it on to completion.  Do not lose the vision and trust the process, God is in control.  Greater is He who is in her, than anything that is in this world.  She is teaching us how to do this "thing", by claiming His Word.  You do the same.

Do not Fear, she is surrounded by angels,The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,and he delivers them.Taste and see that the LORD is good;blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.Fear the LORD, you his saints,for those who fear him lack nothing.
Psalm 34:7-9

Even when she cries, she knows she can find refuge in him,God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.Psalm 46:1

The victory is already hers!  
If God is with her, nothing can stand against her. 
Romans 8:28-31

No matter what you see, hear or uncover, nothing is too big for our GOD!
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 

We all love you and will continue to pray...remember

Day 11

From Mom,

As parents one of our biggest fears is that we cannot, or have failed to, protect our children. My biggest struggle throughout this journey has been the fact that I cannot make things better for my child. I know that God is in control and she is in His care. I know that He will use all of this for good and that He makes all things beautiful in His time. That’s where we get stuck. It’s in His time, not ours. I want my little girl well. I want her whole and home with us. When we started researching facilities that would meet her needs we came across an article about the stages of “grief” that kids go through when away from home and in a place like this. We knew that it would get harder for her as the days went on but that doesn't prepare you for the sobbing phone calls and the pleas to bring her home. I don’t know how people do this without the Lord. I can’t imagine having the kind of strength it takes to sit there and try to reassure your child when your own heart is aching to just bring her home.

My baby is having a hard time. She doesn't understand why this is happening (not that any of us do). She’s trying to hold on to God and His promise to never leave her nor forsake her. But she’s a child and in the midst of her despair she wonders if He has forgotten about her. How do you make a 13 year old understand that sometimes things need to get worse before they get better? That she will have a great story to tell one day, a story of redemption, of mercy and of grace? She feels alone right now and wonders if indeed God will rescue her from  this. And so we struggle with not being able to make things better and having to wait on Him because we know that He is the only one that can.

Please pray for peace for our girl and our family. Pray that God holds her when we can’t, and that she feels Him and sees His hand at work in her life. Pray that God strengthens us when we are weak so that we can be strong for her. It feels like this road gets longer and longer with each passing day and sometimes we wonder how we are going to get through the next day, the next phone call, the next doctor’s theory. But we know that He is good and He carries us when our load gets too heavy.

Thank you for your continued prayers, love and support for our daughter, for our family.      

Day 10

From Mom

The weekend finally came and we got to visit our girl today. As hard as the goodbyes are, the greetings are not pleasant either... not when you are visiting your child on someone else's time and watch. Again, it's just not natural. The first week was very difficult for all of us. Her absence was greatly felt and her big smile sorely missed. We are very proud of her, she's been working hard and opening up a lot about the things she is feeling and the struggles she is having. There are a lot great people working diligently with her to try to get to the core of the problem. As her mom, I want answers. I want to understand why my child is experiencing these emotions and having such a hard time. I want to know that her healing is coming, soon. We've heard from a lot of professionals throughout this journey that there isn't always an answer. That sometimes these things just happen and we just have to figure out the best way help her get through this. So, we sacrifice and deal with, and barely tolerate, this separation for the sake of her healing. We know it won't be easy. There are days when even leaving the house in the mornings is difficult but we know God is at work. He is good and though right now it feels like there is no light at the end of this tunnel we know that one day, soon, we will testify of His goodness and His grace in our baby girl's life. Thank you for your continued prayers. Without which we would not be standing today.

Day 8: From the Whirlwind He Speaks

For My Dear Sister & Family,

 

Trouble suffocates me. Worry entangles me. By night I can't sleep, by day I can't rest. The burden of suffering is intolerable. Where is God? Does He know, or are my prayers heard only by the wall? Is He near, or somewhere distant, only watching? 

Today feels like one of those days where the grief calls out to God demanding an answer.  Like Job, down to our whits end, we want a face to face with God, to explain to us why this is happening.  Is it me, was it something I did that caused God to punish us this way?  In agony we questions everything and anything, desperately hoping something will make sense in this darkness.  We feel like Job.  Job was blameless and upright, a man of such integrity that even God likes to show him off. If anyone deserves blessings, Job did. Yet one day God puts him to the test. Job's life falls to pieces; calamity of every kind descends upon him. Raiders sweep his fields; his livestock are captured or destroyed; his servants are put to the sword; a house collapses on his sons and daughters and kills them all. Disease strikes him, and he is covered with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the top of his head. In all this, he submits patiently to God, only to be mocked by his wife, who tells him to "curse God and die!"(Job 2:9) 

Finally Job can contain himself no longer. In a torrent of grief and protest he demands an audience with God and in the end, Job gets his hearing. God answers from the heart of the whirlwind.  There are two amazing things about this encounter. The first is that God never explains to Job the reason for his suffering. The second, is that in His justice, God understands that this will seem unjust to us. He does not even try to give us "answers" that we could not understand. Instead, He visits us, as He visited Job. He is a better answer than any "answer" can be. Truth be told, nothing could make this seem or feel OK and He knows that.  And perhaps this is why He seems quiet.  Not because He does not hear us, not because we have done something to deserve this intolerable pain, but because He is enough.  Indeed, He is the only possible answer. We have all heard words that have felt like daggers though directed with the sweetest of intentions, explanations and justifications for whats happening that bring us no comfort.  And sometimes, the greatest comfort comes from a friend who says nothing but sits with us and lets us fall apart if only to keep it together.  His is answer sometimes is just to be quiet...but He is there.  Though we find ourselves buried in a deeper dark than night, from the midst of the whirlwind, He speaks.  I AM HERE.